To Really Move on After a Failed Relationship
What does it really mean to move on after a failed relationship? Well, it goes far beyond what you may think of. Typically, an individual is considered to have moved on, when they are dating again, or enter a new committed relationship. Heck, by that same criteria, we could say that cheating spouses have moved on. I felt this criteria desperately needed to be expounded upon.
What I have found is that few individuals really do ever move on, after a failed relationship, especially if was a long-term relationship. The biggest effect that holds individuals back is how much damage was caused in the relationship. To say that the fighting and bickering can cause emotional scars is not much of an exaggeration.
The fact is that when individuals experience trauma, they begin to learn. They also have their subconscious minds trained, in direct response to the experiences. The interactions with partners shapes what we desire in a relationship, but also what we vehemently oppose. In the most horrendous relationships, a verbally and/or physically abused partner may very well develop fears and anxiety.
Now, let’s fast-forward to the point at which the partners have parted ways some time ago. They each, at some point, decide that they want someone in their lives, at least for a date. They both sign up to dating websites and express their wonderful, happy-go-lucky selves. In fact, every single profile you will find on dating websites shows individuals that are ready for a relationship, and (most importantly) appear that they couldn’t have been the one that caused their previous relationship to fail. Even the verbally and/or physically man (for example) will sell themselves as an individual that is very passionate and romantic.
I am here to tell you that much of this is an illusion. Much of the dating sales pitches are based upon some authentic pieces of their personality, but there is subconscious programming that is still there, waiting to rear its ugly face. Without intervention, the abuser will fall into the same old habits, when things don’t go their way. The abused, will (likely) become very defensive and may very well fear physical abuse, at the mere sight of their new partner’s upset face.
To Really Move on
What do I constantly hear from individual that have ended their relationships and are looking to heal? They express all of the things that they are hoping to avoid when they enter a new relationship. They have developed a number of “must not haves” in their partner, whether it is a history of cheating, abuse, fiscal irresponsibility, laziness, etc. What they don’t realize, is that this mindset crosses almost every person off of the list as a potential mate. It is not that I advise looking for cheaters, specifically, its that I don’t advise looking at everything we don’t want.
If we want to move on from trauma, we have to decide to first heal ourselves and eliminate the emotional wounds that were caused. Future partners deserve a fighting chance, to at least show who they are and who they are not. It is also desperately important to decide that, perhaps, we played a part in the previous failed relationship, at least to some degree. Why do I say this? I just can’t imagine that 50% (or more) of those online dating profiles are mean and nasty people.
Ultimately, our total presentation to the world includes our authentic personality, plus our subconscious programming and cultural influences. A tremendous part of this is impulse control. Impulse control is just whether we are able to keep our negative emotions and thoughts from being externally directed at others. Those evil, and bad partners that “caused” the relationship to end, well, they simply have a lack of Emotional Intelligence (E-IQ).
We all have negative thoughts and emotions, at one time or another. So what sets us apart, then? What sets us apart is what we do with the tools that we have at our disposal. I advise individuals to do battle with negative thoughts and emotions and to work at preventing them from erupting, altogether. If one does not make the best of their situation, then are they a very capable romantic partner? Without developing personal strength, individuals (predictably) will fall into the same old patterns that caused every previous relationship to fail. It is no surprise that successive marriages are more likely to fail than first marriages. Why? They have a history of fighting and have accumulated an incredible amount of negative programming, at the subconscious level.
To really move on, one needs to go back to the drawing board. Even if they think that their ex-parter was entirely to blame, they must expend energy to remove the emotional wounds that were caused during the relationship’s failing moments. Individuals need to do this for themselves, but they also need to do this so that future partners get the opportunity to prove themselves. I teach and coach individuals so that they are able to keep a relationship perfectly on course, even if their partner doesn’t participate at all. There are internal and external skills that grant incredible relationship success.
We move on, when the past no longer holds us back, but instead moves us forward.