Sticks and Stones and Relationships
So just why are individuals mean, at all, especially in a romantic relationship? To answer that, we have to consider what bullying is and understand the bully. To do so, I specifically recommend empathizing with others that give you verbal abuse. Why would you empathize with them, you might ask. You do so to understand the underlying strings being pulled. You do so, to eliminate the emotional pain that you would normally feel. Emotions and their interactions with romantic relationships are my specialty.
Before I get into the full lesson, I have to point out some obvious points. Many individuals respond to insults by giving some of their own. Alternatively, many tell that bullying individual that they are being mean and should stop that behavior. I don’t advise either. What I advise, is incredibly empowering. That behavior is self-limiting. Why would an individual stick to the status quo, when the status quo results in further emotional pain when that person could participate in self-development and eliminate the insult button, that bullies push? My guidance eliminates the power that individuals have over you, with their words. The status quo doesn’t work, which is why the bully is able to push consistently that button and elicit a negative emotional reaction in their target. Many feel that the bully has to face justice for what they have done, but the status quo only justifies (in the bully’s mind) further actions, in the preponderance of cases.
The Bully – The True Victim
One of the chapters in my book is on Victimhood. I go to great lengths describing who The Victim is, why they feel what they feel and why they act the way they do. The basis to my argument is nothing controversial, at least in the professional community. Typically, a bully is a very troubled individual and has been on the receiving end of verbal and physical abuse. This shapes their future propensities considerably. Even in relationships, those that give verbal abuse do so because of their own emotional pain. Is it wrong? Of course.
We can transform our lives and the lives of those around us, by just expending energy towards empathizing with others. Empathy just grants information and insight. It has nothing to do with feeling sorry for others, although empathy can precede sympathy. When we understand the verbal abuser, we can disarm them. Although I advise eliminating buttons for them to push (emotionally), one can still disarm the abuser, by using simple communication strategies.
Insults – You Deserve It
There is no objective rationale behind insults. This will greatly increase your understanding of this overall subject when you understand justification from different perspectives. The person that gives an insult feels that their target deserves emotional pain. Have you ever acted with the best intentions and received negativity in response? Well, that is because that individual viewed your actions from a different lens. One might consider you to be an idiot because you believe in God, or believe you are an idiot because you do not. Their insult is meant to punish you because you do not conform to their belief system. It has nothing to do with you, in reality.
Expectations – Equalize
Countless individuals only see verbal abuse from the surface, when it goes far deeper. When one looks behind the curtain, they will see relatively simple motives behind insults, but ones that typically are not considered. There are also emotional forces at play that go unnoticed.
Consider that verbally abusive individuals need you to feel emotional pain. That abuser feels emotionally aroused and has found an outlet for it. When they are emotionally aroused, pressure builds up, like a balloon. They see that offloading their feelings onto others would be an easy way to relieve that pressure. Whether it is differing beliefs along religious lines or differing political beliefs, one feels the need to give an insult, because they are upset that others don’t conform to their belief system. When they give an insult, their discomfort decreases. Unfortunately, it is an extremely temporary solution that only leads an abuser to be habitually negative, guaranteeing further negative emotional arousal.
What you can do is no longer accept their emotional poison. You don’t have to meet them on the battlefield, and you do not have to equal their level of emotional arousal. It is an expectation that they have, but one that comes at a great cost to you. Doing so only feeds their behavior. Fighting with them, in the vast majority of cases, gives them more fuel to spread fire with. Instead, try shrugging your shoulders and forcing them to shoulder their own emotional pain. It is every individual’s responsibility to process their emotions, after all, we are all individually responsible for our feelings. Yes, it is very common for them to escalate their verbal abuse when they first see their insults no longer working, but it is all part of the same ploy, on their part. Stay consistent, and you will quickly disarm them.
For more information, please email me. I am writing an eBook on communication that will offer an incredible amount of specific advice and conceptual understanding, for this relationship topic and others. It will be free and is nearing completion.