Passionless Relationship – Reconnect
Reconnecting in a relationship is not just for separated spouses, and not just for those that have decided to break-up. Reconnection is something that almost every relationship can use to restore the fire that originally burnt bright in it. I think it is one of the biggest cons in history, that we allow ourselves to be fooled by the courtship and then allow ourselves to live in passionless relationships. It is typical for the man to be the courter, but both are fooled into thinking it will persist into perpetuity. Contrary to popular belief, we can restore the early vigor that held the relationship together in a tight bond. How to do it takes a bit of knowledge and a lot of internal strength. I will elaborate on some dos and donts.
Logic, Reason, and Convincing
I’d certainly like to think that every relationship that has lost its fire has gone through the phase of attempting to rekindle it. Usually, one partner will wake up and realize that the current trajectory is not towards bliss, but disconnection and despair. It is typical for this partner to make an attempt to incite change and ask their partner to join them in the effort. What happens then? The other partner usually feels victimized; they take it personally. They are the recipients of a tremendous amount of logic and reason, yet choose the status quo instead.
There are many reasons why the attempt to reconnect failed due to logic, reason and convincing. There is a principle called Psychological Reactance. It can feel like pressure, and the partner will move in the opposite direction. They might agree that the relationship needs help or saving, but fundamental psychological drives almost ensure they move in the opposite direction.
Have you ever had a debate with a person from another political party? You used logic and reason with them, and you even proved them wrong. What happened? Did they back down? No, they became more staunch in their position, even if they agreed with your argument. I have debated Economics for a long time and can say with certainty that I have never once convinced my opposition. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard “I agree with your argument, but my political views are still correct.” It doesn’t work in debate, and it doesn’t work in relationships. At best, a person on the sidelines can benefit from the exchange of information. But we are not in a political debate; we are in a romantic relationship with one other individual.
When you act out of desperation, you are not honoring yourself and certainly not honoring the relationship. It can be a deeply selfish expression, and it can all but guarantee that the recipient of the desperate plea will only distance them further. If one tries to use desperation, it can feel like control from the other partner. Desperation is not what can build a relationship, and it is not what can rebuild a relationship. Is it a typical feeling to erupt? Yes. Fight the urge to use desperation. What does work is being low-key about the effort.
We have all been there. One partner turns around, and runs away, indicating that the relationship is over. Their partner chases after them, begging to do anything to get them to stay. Does it work? It surely sounds like it works from my brief example. It can work for some time, but it always does the relationship damage. It is a game. It is a use of emotion to control the other individual. There is a tremendous risk that is taken when employing Reverse Psychology. The partner might take them seriously. The partner might accept that the relationship is over, not realizing it was a game or tired of being toyed around with.
The Effort Level
I mentioned that we have to be low-key about reconnecting with partners. We do this for a lot of reasons. What worked in the beginning stage of the relationship? Partners came together in a very casual way until the connection was established. No matter the cause of the disconnection, we have to focus entirely on restoring the connection first. Just as you couldn’t engage in deep relationship talk on the first date, you can’t do the same when you and your partner are emotionally distant.
The use of this low amount of effort has additional benefits. What can happen if we act on desperation is exert all of our energy and then become discouraged when we don’t witness positive change. As quickly as the effort began, it was over. If we stay low and persistent, we never are too discouraged, as we never overreached. If a partner is rather sure that the relationship is over, we want to come at them under their radar, and we do this by focusing entirely on rebuilding that connection.
The One Way
Relationships that have only degraded to a mild extent can use invitations. They can inject what they used to have, romance, that is. This is the case if their partner positively receives this effort. But it is more common for there to be resistance to efforts to restore the relationship. We aid in re-establishing that connection in the more disconnected relationships by using one-way communications. These are like gifts, and they are the most effective when we have no expectation of any particular response. The communication may be completely unanswered. The purpose (at first) is not to get that particular response. Again, we are being low-key. In time, it can escalate to inviting them to tag along on a night out. With more connectedness being engendered, invitations can be employed. That said, we have to take it with a grain of salt and not jump into the deep end by having deep relationship talks.
Acceptance is key here. If we expect a certain response, then we are going to be oppressive and angry when we don’t get our way. What brings individuals together is not control or manipulation, it is the physiological need for connection. This partner becomes connected for reasons that are out of their control. They are not conscious but in the subconscious realm. To allow connections to be established, we have to be an attractive partner, attractive in the sense of a mate that they want to be around, not have to be around. When attempting to reconnect it is extremely common to receive a tremendous amount of rejection. Giving up or becoming upset is a guarantee for nothing to change or for the relationship to degrade. In fact, the partner on the receiving end might purposefully reject these efforts, as they are doubtful that it is meaningful change, but only out of desperation. That means we have to be consistent.