How to Save a Relationship
Last week I wrote about how one could destroy their relationships. In the article, I listed and explained six actions that one may take to carry out that goal. Obviously, I was not advising their usage, but explaining the actions and the negative externalities, therein.
Forgiveness is a tricky beast. Initially, we are taught that we should learn to forgive others, despite the harm that they caused us. In a romantic relationship, this entails not holding them in contempt (in totality) for a single action. Forgiveness is incredibly important. That said, we can get more wild with forgiveness, and grant our relationships, even more, health.
As I stated, typically we forgive others for what they have done to us. Literally, this means we are no longer holding their actions against them. It means that the forgiven need not be punished any longer. What we must inevitably realize, is that the concept of forgiving others can be extremely manipulative. It can be that holding of the relationship hostage, by refusing to forgive. Either way, it puts the relationship in different territory until one apologizes and the other forgives.
The more pure form of forgiveness involves incredible personal responsibility. Said responsibility is to be taken over one’s own feelings. When one that has mastered this concept forgives, they forgive themselves, for letting the actions of others impact their happiness, in a negative way.
2.Forget and be Mindful
Initially, these were separately numbered. However, they share so many aspects; they really need to be explained together.
Simply put, mindfulness is the most powerful thing you could possibly learn and master. If you have Sexual Performance Anxiety, Mindfulness is an incredibly powerful cure. If there are nuisances, or hurtful actions from one’s romantic partner, mindfulness is the cure.
What typically happens is that one romantic partner does something that is perceived to be hurtful. That person makes an apology and tries to be a good partner again, but is rejected. I see this example in real life, more than one could possibly imagine. Ultimately, it means that the relationship criminal is being held in permanent contempt for a single action, or a string of actions in the past.
We might see the hurt partner say, “Oh, you’re being sweet to me now! But, what about yesterday when you were being rude to me?”
Literally, the relationship criminal was trying to bring the relationship back to stable ground, but was rejected by the victim. The victim is consciously choosing to live in the past; the past that is now only a figment of their imagination. This means that the victim refuses to allow the couple to be happy, because of a past error. We tend to see this when the victim is demanding a never ending string of grander apologies from the relationship criminal. The problem is that this is training the relationship criminal that their romance is undesired. Almost always, we then see two individuals with their backs to one another.
The cure is mindfulness. Mindfulness is just being engrossed in the present moment, typically with one’s senses. If you realize, anything that happened yesterday has nothing to do with any of our five senses. You cannot touch, taste, hear, see or smell yesterday, or its memory, therein. Those that are mindful are not lost in their thoughts, as a daydreamer is. When we are mindful, there are no relationship problems, as they do not exist in the now.
3.Be The Best
This is a skill that has a lot of positive externalities that tend to go unnoticed. If I am trying to do my best in a relationship, this will require a constant revisit to the drawing board, to ensure that there isn’t slack on the leash or something left on the table. We have to realize that we are creatures that learn constantly. Literally speaking, when we learn, we replace antiquated memories. If we are trying to be the best romantic partners, this will mean that we learn skills that are proven to engender emotional closeness. Being the best requires starting with the question, how can I be a better husband or wife, and then finding the answer/s and taking action – daily.
What we tend to know about relationships is fraudulent, at best. The idea is that we court a lady. Courtship entails being sweet, romantic and a bit over-the-top. Each partner takes care of their appearance and genuinely tries to get along. Fast-forward two years after the nuptials, and out come the sweatpants, cell phones, and talking to one another without eye contact.
Where did all of the romance go?
The answer is that one or both partners (most likely) unconsciously allowed the romance to die a slow death. Here’s the kicker for men. Any man on the planet is capable of romancing a woman (putting on a show) for two years, and then reverting back to roommate-type interactions. Individuals are constantly questioning why divorces took place or infidelity, and never look at the basic structure of their relationship, or lack thereof. If one allows the romance to die, I would tell them to expect divorce or infidelity (or both). Statistically, it is an open and shut case.
The answer is simple. However, what the majority of couples actually do is absurdly complex, with all of the manipulation and games that are played, in a grand conquest for power – ensuring disconnection > infidelity > divorce. The answer is just to be nice to one another and to maintain the romance far past the infatuation years. Actions lead emotions, assuming one wants a healthy and happy life. As such, if one wants a great life, they simply need always to work to maintain the fire in the relationship.