How to Keep Your Spouse from Leaving You
Relationship problems are not one-off events, except in a few very rare instances, usually in drunken sexual affairs. Realize that the problems you have in your relationship are long-term events. The problems that occur can compound on themselves or compound on one another. Like a snowball rolling down a hill, they can gain too much speed and mass, making a calamity almost inevitable. The first thing you have to consider, whether your relationship is in dire straits or not, is that any problem took the time to get to the point it is at now. There is no minute fix to any relationship. Even the healthiest relationships, mine included, have some areas of contention, no matter how minor. We are dealing with two completely different individuals, with completely different viewpoints, perceptions, and upbringings. You may think you know your spouse, but I assure you – you don’t.
I want this article to be a by androgynous, that is, appealing to both sexes. Realize that both sexes have different needs in a relationship. There are many needs that go unfulfilled, and this may lead to serious contention in the future, like that snowball. There are differences in positivity and differences in negativity. Either way, each person has a different skillset and different needs that have to be met, to elicit that natural magnetic attraction to one another. There are a lot of skills, especially in men, that go undeveloped. The typical way of loving has been feminized, that is, the actions and expressions that are typically associated with “love” are the ways that women typically give love. These are those outward expressions, verbal and compassionate. Men are often afraid or uncomfortable to give this type of love, being more comfortable doing love, like helping around the house or participating in physical activity with the wife. I want the men to understand that this underdeveloped skill-set in loving is NOT biological or evolutionary in basis. You have to understand how emotions work to master this concept (online audio program #3: The Emotional Model).
Love works the opposite in which most think it does. It is gifts of love that make the giver happy and satisfied, predominantly. An individual that only receives will never be as fulfilled as one who gives unconditional love to their partner. Whether you are a man or a woman does not matter. You are well-advised to give love to your partner. Whether you are performing a chore, giving a romantic dinner, or saying I love you, you need to do it in the mindset that it is a gift. A gift is something that is never returned. The action will precede the feeling. Do not wait until you feel it before you do it; you will end up waiting far too long.
There are a lot of things you can do to maintain a fire in a relationship, but also, if the fire is sputtering. The key here is consistency, because you have to set yourself up for long-term relationship success, not long-term failure. Also, realize that you are giving them someone else to compare to. In this, you are being a different person than the one they remember. Consistency is needed to prove that you are not just doing this for temporary reasons.
1. Remember what the early relationship was like, when you couldn’t help being around this person. The yearning desire led you to go crazy when you weren’t with them. You may be a bit bored now, and that has caused you to take them for granted, but again, emotions work via gifts of love. You will remain bored until you start re-kindling the love on your end.
2.See the best in them. To do this, you have to master the Masks concept (online audio program #8: Archetypes, Masks, and Characters and eBook chapter).
3.You have to do your best, and find role-models to guide your behavior (same chapter and online audio as in #2).
4.Imagine how you would feel if you lost your partner. Don’t wait until it is too late, start showing them appreciation right now, to benefit both of you.
Now if the relationship has already become like that big snowball, barrelling down the hill, then you have to take a softer approach. You do still have to re-invigorate all of the early relationship feelings within both of you, though. Like has to turn back into love. Don’t think that it will come back all at once; these things take time. The passionate love-making is something that only comes with a seriously deep connection. Focus on that deep connection. Remember what it was like dating this other person. Realize that you had an incredible time, even though you weren’t having sex (at least all the time). You will benefit greatly by remembering the passion of the early days and realizing that the future seemed so bright for you two. Well, if your partner does not share your vision, necessarily, there is still hope. You have proof that it did work. As long as they will listen to you, then you have hope. Even if they don’t share the same home or bed anymore, as long as they read your text or email is signs that the connection still exists.
If the fire has long died out, then you have to start back at square one. If it is still burning, but at a dimmer and cooler temperature, then you just have to re-invigorate the courtship process again. Stoke that fire and never stop dating your partner.
Thank You for Reading,
Relationship Teacher – Anthony John Bartlett