How to Get Your Lover Back
In this game of life, most relationships are going to go through at least the threat of a breakup. In fact, 60% of new marriages are ending in divorce, far beyond the so-called 40-50% figure most individuals like to quote. Chances are, your relationship has already been threatened, will be threatened, or is being threatened. Considering these facts and emotional intelligence, we have to first ask what we should do, and not just give into emotions.
The most important thing we have to consider is how to have our relationships on stable ground, and to make sure they resemble something that includes Sternberg’s three vertices of his triangular theory: passion, commitment and friendship. Even if we are matched with the “right” person, a relationship could still be set up on infertile ground, due to circumstances, the arrangement and externalities that arise from various power struggles.
The first thing an individual struggles with during the threat of a breakup, or one that has become concrete is possibly desperate feelings or incredulity. Neither of these are going to lend their hand to create the aforementioned healthy model of a relationship. If one acts out of desperation, the other can be the puppeteer. If one acts out of incredulity, their partner will face challenges that cannot be overcome. It is like a bar that, once met, only gets raised higher. If these are the primary modus operandi employed, then we have to resist the alarm signaled by our brain’s emotional centers. Ignoring logic will (not can) result in repercussions to be had sooner or later. If one is authoritarian, or too passive, the result will be a lack of romantic relationship quality.
There are some caveats to this, however. If you are a long-term reader of my relationship articles, then you know I constantly talk about right vs. wrong and what one should and shouldn’t do. This doesn’t mean the rest of the world gives a hoot about objectively healthy courses of action. If we want to deal in relationships, then we are going to have to talk about the irrational natures of fellow human beings. As humans, we are predictably unpredictable. Emotions get the best of us and we don’t do what we should do. Whether it is primary or secondary, there are many things that can persuade one to take the advice from our emotions, rather than follow expert advice.
You might be following said expert advice, trying to make sure the relationship is restored to fertile ground, but be receiving emotional pleas (sadness or anger) from your partner. Giving in might mean to this emotional partner that you care, but it doesn’t. This partner might not want to change, or they might just want to get the relationship kick-started ASAP. Either way, it is dangerous to give in, as it only ensures constant drama, moving forward. It is at this point that we have to realize that giving into these emotions must be avoided, no matter how right or urgent it feels. If this relationship is meant to be saved, whether one believes in a higher power, fate or soul mates, then I assure you, following expert advice will not hurt your chances. It will tend to expose the relationships that are doomed to fail, or are simply on unhealthy ground, at the present moment.
Now that we have our theory out of the way, we can get into the advice and its explanation. It isn’t that I studied this out of some boring textbook. This advice is empirically derived. There is what works and what doesn’t work, rather than what should work, theoretically. In the past, I have been dumped. I have done the dumping. I have been the one setting the bar too high but also been the one that couldn’t fulfill the impossible-to-meet demands. I have played every role, and with my background and understanding of psychology and physiology, I am able to dissect workable advice.
Start with what worked in the very beginning of the relationship. Both partners gave in the early relationship. There was no expectation of tit for tat or quid pro quo love. In time, things shifted, of course. To get a lover back, we have to put forth a strong offer, much like was put on the table in the first months of courtship. Too often, the one leading the charge to reconcile will put forth an incredible amount of pressure. Put simply, pressure is connection destroying.
Humans have a physiological need or drive to seek connection. It is something that you can count on to repair relationships and initiate new ones.
Focus on building or rebuilding the friendship. Too often, and I mean way too often, individuals think that to repair the relationship, they have to “work out” all of their issues. The problem here is that they have no connection with which to rely upon to get through a tough discussion. It is for this reason that I advise individuals to try to avoid discussing the things that didn’t work, especially when they are not “together”. Succinctly, just try to enjoy each other’s presence, and avoid wrestling over issues from the past.
Live in the moment.
It is one thing to say to forgive and forget, and another to tell you to be mindful of the present moment. I proffer advice that would have you treat every moment as if it were your last. Just like the moment could be the conclusion to your life’s tale, so too could it be the end of your relationship. When we become upset, we resort to tired and old habits that just destroy relationships. If we are living in the moment, we realize there really is no problem, other than any challenge that confronts us in the immediate present. As such, it makes no point, at all, to escalate any disagreement into a full-blown argument. Also, if we are trying to master the present moment, we will pay more attention to what we are doing and what we are not doing.
Aforementioned are three meta-abilities that are proven to work. Use them wisely, or suffer the consequences, should they be neglected.