Emotional Intelligence for Relationships
I first came across the concept of Emotional Intelligence or E-IQ when I was studying bullying. In fact, I plan to publish my next eBook on that very subject, as it is not just something that affects children, but adults as well. Adults have to lead the charge here so that their children are not bullied or do not become bullies. The same E-IQ mastery will spill over benefits onto one’s offspring. I came across Brackett and Rivers, two Yale University educators that created a program for schools to build Emotional Intelligence in our youth. This program is called the RULER program. They, like I, saw an incredible deficit in the emotional capabilities of our population. Long story short, the traditional methods of combating bullying do not work and meta-analyses of all of the data prove it. Guess what? Adults use the same tired techniques to combat spousal bullying. In The Fire of Knowledge, you will see an incredible amount of information and skill sets that build emotional intelligence. When I participate in the relationship advice community, I am often insulted when I attempt to empower a victim of verbal abuse. The individuals that insult me are victims themselves, and see my advice as denying the victim their right to feel hurt. More often than not, they will indicate that victims of verbal abuse should feel emotional pain, which only commits them to emotional wounds, not healing with emotional medicine that comes with Emotional Intelligence.
In The Fire of Knowledge, you will see an incredible amount of information and skillsets that build emotional intelligence. When I participate in the relationship advice community, I am often insulted when I attempt to empower a victim of verbal abuse. The individuals that insult me are victims themselves, and see my advice as denying the victim their right to feel hurt. More often than not, they will indicate that victims of verbal abuse should feel pain. If you are like me, you’d like every human on the planet to be emotionally resilient, not receiving deep wounds from mere words. Words only have the power that we grant them and having that underlying commitment to feel pain only guarantees future pain and exacerbates it. It also precludes any possibility of forgiveness or forgetting. You need emotional intelligence. Not building on these skills comes at a personal cost to you. The only resistance that individuals have to learning emotional intelligence is their pride. Their pride refuses to let the perpetrator of the verbal crime to be “let off the hook.” Let me assure you, you aren’t letting anyone off the hook by getting over verbal abuse, or rather, not taking it personally at all. The person’s pride will insist to take the words personally and will hold onto that pain so as to punish the abuser. I’d rather be happy, and let the words stream right past me so that I can continue on with my day.
Emotional Intelligence is a book written by Daniel Goleman , in 1995. It is a very easy read and offers incredible advice, as well as offering some examples of its employment and power. In the online program #3 (The Emotional Model) I specifically use the 5 Emotional Intelligence skills that Daniel Goleman elaborated on in his original book. Employment of these skills keeps me from taking things personally, amongst the entire array of Fire of Knowledge concepts.
So Just What is the Importance of Emotional Intelligence in Relationships?
To answer that question I have to bring to you the 5 Emotional Intelligence skills. They are:
Self-Awareness – Being able to recognize and be aware of your emotions. Those that are self-aware are capable of seeing themselves in an unbiased manner, and seeing the impact that their expressed emotions have on others.
Self-Regulation – This skill is incredibly in deficit nowadays. It is inconceivable, for a lot of reasons for an individual to receive verbal insult and not reciprocate in retaliation. It is seen as proper defense for one to retaliate, and not doing so supposedly implies that you are taken advantage, walked all over, weak or a beta male/female. This characterization is wrong.
Internal Motivation – This lends the power that an individual needs to improve themselves, mastering these skills. An internally motivated individual is capable of brushing aside the emotional hijacking from the Lymbic System, doing so with an empowered logical mind.
Empathy – Are you able to feel what others feel? Well then, skills in empathy are primarily for informational purposes. Empathy is not sympathy, although both are necessary. Empathy is just knowing what another person is going through. Being able to empathize with others makes it incredibly easier not to take something personally. If you see your romantic partner as in pain when they give a verbal insult versus seeing them as giving the verbal insult out of an internal desire to hurt you, you are going to be able to immediately de-escalate any situation and restrict your responses to healthier ones. You need empathy, no matter how heinous the level of emotional abuse.
Social Skills – This skill is all about regulating the moods of other individuals. Remember that in the movie The Matrix, Neo (Keanu Reeves) finally gained confidence and believed he was “the one.” As soon as this happened, his face turned emotionless, and he was able to manipulate the fabric of reality, being able to slow down bullets that were being fired at him, and even pick them out of the air, before forcing them to all fall to the ground. Those that master Emotional Intelligence can see the emotional buttons of others and the strings that are attached to the limbs and muscles of one’s mouth, being able to navigate any scenario to stay on the path of utter bliss.
When I set out on the journey to becoming a relationship coach, I realized one thing rather immediately. I was incapable of adequately helping my clients if I didn’t assist them in the process of emotional transformation and self-growth. The skills that I teach in my book and the Relationship and Emotional Mastery Program are not just relationship skills but skills that every individual need for all aspects of life, whether at work or home. That said, an individual is going to face incredible challenges in mastering their relationship, especially in a crisis, if they hold onto the subconscious programming that came with their behavioral and emotional development as a child. We didn’t learn how to be unconditionally happy or how to see the best in others. We were all raised with a lot of emotional weaknesses that severely handicaps us in life. In fact, those that have Emotional Intelligence proved to be more successful in life than those that had high raw intelligence. A high IQ, alone, is rather meaningless unless an individual has the skills and tools to employ it.
You need emotional intelligence, and (put bluntly) this is your HQ for how to learn it and apply it in a relationship. Every relationship problem you have that is acute or chronic is due to a lack of emotional intelligence. A lot of the concepts in The Fire of Knowledge work concomitantly to assist and motivate you in the effort of mastering your relationship and emotions. Those that master these concepts actually receive less verbal insults, than those that are under the misguided assumption that they have to reciprocate and defend themselves. Many learned to do a “180” or to stop being a “nice guy” when those efforts literally embolden an individual in taking objectively meaningless words personally. If you want to be a true alpha male or female, then do a true 180 and stop taking everything personally. Doing so will be primarily for your benefit. Along with it comes a the ability to work towards the utter bliss that is exhibited in “total relationships”.
Thank You For Reading,
Anthony John Bartlett – Relationship Teacher
References: Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence. New York: Bantam Books.