Emotional Affairs and You
Suffice it to say, that, most relationships will undergo some type of infidelity. Although we will never know, as we rely on survey data, which depends on honest individuals. If you understand, that means that adulterers have to tell the truth in the survey. What I will offer readers is a heavy dose of common sense.
In relationships, we are always fixated on the but’s, should’s, and maybe’s. We operate in relationships, based upon ideals and principles that are not found in reality. When something violates these ideals and principles, we become upset and remove our love from the relationship. It is a vicious cycle that leads to emotional distance. Predictably, we fall out of love and blame it on this evil person we were in a relationship with. After enough time, individuals conclude that this evil person was “the real” him/er. After this, the partners split up, have fun for a while and meet someone new. In a year or two, the entire cycle happens all over again.
At some point, when things are less perfect with the committed partner, there becomes a yearning desire for a connection to another individual. Keep in mind that individuals are physiologically driven to seek connection. Typically, partners will fight it out, trying to get what they want, connection-wise. After enough failures, they just stop fighting and can feel the urge to look outside the relationship. A partner might also become interested in a random encounter, as well.
So just what is this heavy dose of reality, then? A blunt psychologist might say that if a woman doesn’t sleep with her man, someone else will. They might also say that if a man doesn’t satisfy the emotional needs of his woman, someone else will. Either way, it leads to sex. I am telling you that people act in predictable ways. We can have the highest IQ on the planet, and still succumb to an emotional impulse that tells us we must seek connection outside of the committed relationship.
Because people act so predictably, I can tell you that this unnamed blunt psychologist is exactly correct. If there is a lack of connection in one’s relationship, cheating is a predictable outcome, although not with 100% certainty. With this reality, individuals can be proactive enough to stave off this impending doom, or repair their relationship, should it have already happened. If your relationship is less than wonderful, then there is a very good reason to wake up and take the action necessary to fix it. If an emotional affair has rocked your relationship, just relax, it can be healed.
The most important thing to remember is that what got the relationship into the mess, will not get it out of the mess. Strong relationships operate in a certain way. Unhealthy ones operate in a different way. Unfortunately, we often get the urge to take unhealthy actions, for reasons I explain in all of my writings.
So just what can one do if they find out their partner is cheating, at least emotionally?
1. Ask one’s partner to end the illegitimate relationship.
2. Inform them that they will not be spied on and that they will not be checked upon.
3. There will be incredible pain, so it is probably best to step away, at this point. Nothing gets resolved in an argument, and an emotionally compromised betrayed spouse is not well enough to hash out the relationship problems.
I realize, fully, that my advice seems weak. It seems like something a submissive and weak person does, at least to the conventional wisdom. What it actually is, is very powerful language. It places the entire burden of the emotional affair on the cheating spouse. What normally happens is that the cheater will seek to blame and offload their burden on the betrayed spouse.
ANY arguing (negativity) comes from personal weakness. This means that the ultimatums, guilt trips, playing victim, and desperation, are all personally weak, which feed this bad connection-destroying behavior. Strength and durability engender connection. If there truly is another suitor to one’s partner, they will appear very desirable when contrasted against the status quo of an angry partner. The new flame has no strikes against him/her, that is.
Relationships are very predictable. With this knowledge, we can take actions that lead to success or failure. If one acts in a negative manner towards their committed partner, I fully expect that partner to be in the arms of a stranger, either before or after the break-up. If one is “lucky”, they are spared and get to enjoy decades of roommate-like “romance.”
I advise individuals to just drop all of the excuses and be nice and loving to one another. This can’t happen if one abides by a system of fairness and right/wrong in their life. The connection didn’t die overnight, and it won’t be restored in that same time frame. If my readers are lucky, they are early enough in the relationship, for much damage to have been done. As such, they are well-advised to make every single day the best day in their love story.